The Very Secret Diary of Count Olaf
by Crushed Tin Box
Summary: In his researching of the Baudelaire case, Lemony Snicket has discovered portions of Count Olafs very secret diary...


Day 1: Had a lot of drinks today. I felt good.   
  
--later--  
  
Burned down Baudelaire Mansion, felt even better. Still the most handsome.  
  
Day 4: Tiny little Baudelaire kids came to live with me today. Soon they will be dead, and not only will I be the most handsome, but the most rich. Coughing idiot brought them, said I couldn't have their money. Got mad, but put on my beautiful, "O it doesn't matter face". Violet very pretty, I should marry her. Still most handsome.  
  
Day 7: Things seem to be going well; I gave them rocks to play with. Left them note. Says theater troupe coming, have dinner ready for all ten of us. Need roast beef. Must get drunk. Must show off.  
  
--later--  
  
Dumb Orphan's. Made Pattensca Sauce, whatever that is. Showed off to theater troupe by dicspling orphans. Dumb orphans. Don't like bald man, he called my Violet a pretty one. Must kill him some how. Need to do some arson soon, I'm getting rusty. Bald man doesn't have a chance with Violet, i'm still the most handsome. Boy orphan, Klaus, got mad cuz I provided them nicely with a bed. Told him to buy new one, said he didnt have any money. Said he did. Talked about not allowing to use fortune till of age. He embarresed me. Theater troupe not supposed to no that. Now I have to come up with evil plan. Got mad, so I hit orphan boy. Made him cry. Felt better. Need to clean my hands and get manicure, becoming less handsome.   
  
Day 8: Orphans go see Poe. Poe tell them about wierd Latin stuff. I like Poe now. Should offer him a job. Need to work on coming up with an evil plan. Must go look at nuptial law books. Came up with perfect evil plan. Nothing can stop me, especial those dratted little orphans. Most shave eyebrow later. Getting to long. Still most hansome.  
  
Day 9: Put on happy face, and made orphans oatmeal with rasberries on top. Resited the urge to put poison in it. Orphans came down, were suspicious of oatmeal at first. I ate some, then they ate some. Explained to them how they were going to be in my play. They didn't like the idea. Wanted to work behind stage. Stupid orphans. Didn't like my idea of them being audience and Violet being my wife. After all I do for them. Told them I was acting standoffish, looked at me like I was an idiot. Bet they don't have the huge vocabulary I do. Didn't know what the word meant I bet. Was very happy when I got to make fun of the little twerps Sunny and Klaus by making them midgets.   
  
Olaf's Diary During the Ersatz Elevator Period  
  
Day 1: Today was National Hug an Orphan. Saw commercial on TV that said I could make my own commercial. Went to place advetised, asked if I could make a holiday called National Kill an Orphan Day. They said no, got mad, burned place. Went to Carnival, played game called Rate-Your-Handsomeness, got a 10 out of 10. Haha!   
  
Day 4: Got wierd henchman with long nose job at 667 Dark Avenue after hearing the orphans were moving to the Squalors penthouse. He's a doorman. Wrote first two lines of Why, I believe I've Become Even More Handsome Episode 2: Attack of the Handsome People Called Count Olaf aganist the Orfans.  
  
Day 5: Baudelaire's arrived at squalor apartment, Esme told me. Esme is really hot, forget Violet. Esme loves my handsomeness.  
  
Day 6: Met orphans today, please, at Sqaulor residence, please. Disguised as Gunther, please. Please, am an auctioner. Very happy with new disguise, please. Ok enough of that. Got the element of suprise of those little Baudelaire twerps. Orphans went off with dont-want-to-argue Jerome. Left me and Esme alone. Bored me with "in" stuff for 30 minutes, told her to shut- up. She got mad, got her happy by giving her a role in Episode 2. Started talking about how to smuggle quagmire's, and get all of their saphire's. Decided to put them down in the secret passageway in fake elevator. Jerome and Baudelaire's came back. Left the apartment building. Really fancy places in rich distric. Went over to Beauty Salon, got a make-over, decided not only handsome, but pretty. Monocle makes me look stylish.   
  
Day 7-10: Esme worked on In Auction long time, sat on coach flirting with her. My prettiness and handsomeness is just irrestible.  
  
Day 11: Had much fun being auctioneer at In Auction, make mucho money. Then dratted orphans show up, thought they would spoil everything! But, they didn't. They fell for the red herring. Smuggled Quagmire's, to town of VFD. They got stuck with a bunch of doilies. Me and Esme are now an item! O ya, i'm soo hot!   
  
Olaf's Diary Before the Baudelaire Chronicles  
  
Day 1: Me gots pen and paper to wite in me diary, on me 5th b day az they call it.  
  
Day alot later than day one: I have'nt entered a diary entry since I was 5, now I am 20 and fully out of The Collage of Arson a.k.a. Drama School for Fire-e People, a very distinguished collage. I am about to enter the services of the VFD. Though I have no idea what it stands for, or what they do, it just sounds like their some fire envolved. I noticed in the mirror today how handsome I am.   
  
Day ?: I have been apcepted into the ranks of the VFD. And found out that they fight fire, not make it. Schism is ever on my mind. Must start one, must betray them, must light them all on fire [had my first evil laugh right here]. I bought a manicure kit as well as some stylish gel which my new found friend recomended, Esme.   
  
Day: I have started righting my own book called, The Most Handsome Man Reveals His Plans to Light Everyone on Fire. Bloomsfire says it will be a best-seller on arsonist market. Esme likes it I think.  
  
NOTE TO FILE: The other half of this document has been burned off, authorities are still trying to locate the other half.   
  
This piece of parchment was found blowing through the Hitherlands. The top has burnt marks on it, and it seems to be missing the beginning- considering it starts on Day Gazillion.  
  
_____________________________________________  
  
Day Gazillion: Don't really know how to count, so just put a number sounding word. I am now righting sequels to The Most Handsome Man Reveals His Plans to Light Everyone on Fire. I am also writing plays to go with it, schism in VFD started. No one ever told me they have petticure's as well as manicure's. Now with both peticure's and manicure's, People Magazine has given me the Sexiest Man Alive Award. Very honored. Arsonist Today gave me the Most Fire-e Man Alive Award also. Esme is so proud.  
  
A new day at midnight: I read in Arsonist Today that unibrows are totally in, I asked Esme and she said I had to have one, so I am growing one out. Along with all my theater, arson, writing, I have started a band named Olaf Burn World, I hope to get some more money, though I will never have as much as those dratted Baudelaire's with their fancy mansions.  
  
A ok day: Everything has been working as planned, Mrs. Baudelaire has invited Esme to a tea. Jerome is out of town. Esme thinks we should be boyfriend girlfirends, I knew she found me hott!  
  
BURN BURN BURN day: The plans have worked! With my ingenious arsonist skills, we succesful burned all the Baudelaire's to bones, after Esme set fire to the attack and I to the kitchen and escaped with their will, which we changed to suit out purposes, making it so as long as no Baudelaire's are alive, Esme is the sole inheriter of the huge fortune of the idiot Baudelaire family. We escaped into the huge Sqaulor penthouse through a secret passage. So handsome!  
  
Dadgum Day: Ugh, those dratted now orphan Baudelaire kids were at the beach when their house burned down! Now our ingenios plans are ruined! I will kill those Baudelaire's. My angryness is making me not so handsome.  
  
Ok day: I have arranged for the Baudelaire's to come and live with me. Then when they are shocked by how handsome I am, I will kill them!  
  
-------  
  
Here ends the diary, attached to the diary though was a song written by the Olaf Burn World band:  
  
:Chorus:  
  
Oops!...I burned it again  
  
I played with matches, got lost in the fun  
  
Oh fire, fire  
  
Oops!...You think I'm a pyro  
  
That I'm sent from below  
  
I'm not that innocent  
  
Oops!...I burned it again  
  
I played with matches, got lost in the fun  
  
Oh fire, fire  
  
Oops!...You think I'm a pyro  
  
That I'm sent from below  
  
I'm not that innocent  
  
The rest of the song was burned off. Though through much research we found it was a song by the pop rock band Olaf Burn World- Oops I Burned it Again, a parody off of Britney Spear's Ooops I did it again. Though recently the touring of Olaf Burn World has come to a halt, they still write pyro related songs. And they have also turned away from their pop-ish tunes, and turned to rap. Their latest: In Da Fire 


End file.
